Up to this point, the only entity that could command the world to stop is Beyoncé. Nothing is shocking anymore, but you could not have convinced me 2020 would turn globally and economically fatal just under its first quarter. Thinking about the state of the world, my Piscean moods amplified to an acute sensitivity that even I did not fathom. Though current uncertainties occupy my mind, the indefinite time at home has given me a renewed purpose and sense of control I lost the previous year. Circumstances aside, I am thankful.
As the city began to shut down, work emails flooded my inbox about office closings; I can’t lie - I was shook. Packing up my desk, I said to myself: “What the hell am I going to do now?” The ride home allowed my mind to reminiscence. I couldn’t help but think about all I encountered from the past year. Honestly, this Pandemic felt like just another inconvenience thrown on my plate. Blindly, I couldn’t see the blessing in it until much later.
Let us rewind to 2019. At the beginning of the year, I was invited to attend a healing mediation class. During my intuitive reading, the instructor dropped a few gems. Two prominent things stuck out to me: something from my past would resurface, and a special event was coming. Well, that part about my past? It manifested into the form of volatile family drama. Flip side, in June 2019, I got happily engaged. But the months before and after had me in shambles - so much so that it overshadowed my special moment. Life was jumping out the bag on your girl, on all cylinders. My body and psyche took the greatest hits. I felt myself falling apart and I desperately needed a break - more like a full reset. Going back and forth with my primary physician and workplace, I was starting to feel defeated by taking time off to get myself together. And dipping into my PTO did not suffice. So, I did what any other overworked and underpaid Millennial did; I kept it pushing. I pushed into the new year not addressing my wellness as I should have. Fast forward to 2020, I now have a little family of two and we moved to a new town. We have a wedding to plan, additional bills, engagements to fulfill... First world problems, sure! But that is my world. And all of that is supposed to just... stop?!
A couple weeks into the quarantine, I thought the best course of action was awareness. My Twitter feed stayed jumping with reports of shutdowns, local news, and death tolls. I even came across insightful articles like Working From Home Productivity Tips DomNTheCity, and this one written in Forbes regarding the vulnerabilities that blogging, marketing and influencing could face due to the Pandemic. It seemed like the more I tried to wrap my mind around this "new (ab)normal," the further I got away from myself. My spirit was trying to make me understand that to fight what was going on out there, I had to get right within first. So, early one morning whilst prepping to work remotely, I heard my inner voice say: “This is it. Do nothing.” I scanned the room to make sure I wasn't tripping. Do Nothing?! I had everything in the world to do. Before I could be hardheaded and ignore the message, I heard the voice again, but it was the word "reset". In that exact moment, my whole being surrendered. Released was all this pinned-up stress and anxiety. And just like that, I exhaled.
After firing off some emails, I closed my laptop and lounged. I didn’t have to do or be anything in this space right now. I felt free for the first time, in a LONG time. And all I had to do was sit my ass still. While one may find this silly - I did not know how to do nothing. The way I grew up weighed on the side of survival. No matter what transpired, we kept it pushing. And in turn, it’s a tactic I internalized into my adulthood. I’ve played this game for so long, and until I allowed myself grace, I wasn’t aware of how worn out I was. I could not see the forest for the trees and recognize it's deeper than "doing nothing." There's tangible usefulness in making room for Self, however that my look. In trying to control my surroundings, I lost control of Ana.
The most vulnerable, yet beautiful discovery from quarantining (affectionately known as #Quaransgiving around my home, lol) is that I couldn’t hide from myself anymore. I came across a tweet that directly spoke to my current process: “Healing is a sloppy and reckless affair, [...] but darling, it is so necessary." Present-day? Although I wavered a bit before feeling adequate, I eventually found my little piece of Nirvana in this lock down. I'm working daily to unsubscribe from unhealthy, self-sabotaging practices. I tore down those walls of making myself out to be this “strong” person when in fact, that’s a self-portrait I painted. No one was asking that of me, so why carry such a load.
My heart is filled with gratitude that I have another day to get this right. I guess you can say this is my re-introduction.
And it was worth the wait.